My Drug

Much time has passed since my last blog.  I have returned to the USA, worked a number of jobs, and most significantly I met and married the man of my dreams.  I'd like to jump back into the world of blogging and I thought I'd start with something I wrote this morning.

My Drug

We all suffer from the same condition, the same illness. It is a fatal condition of selfishness and sin, which leaves us empty and separated from the source of true life.  This is the human condition.  Some know, some don’t know, but either way we are all looking for a solution, a cure.   The cure is instantaneous and a process at the same time.  The human condition fights to distract us and drives us to look for instant gratification.

I have been thinking a lot about one of my drugs of choice.  Its name is Success and I’ll go to great lengths to acquire it.  After all, it is where I find my value, pride, happiness, relief, and identity.  My entire life I have chased this drug and well, I have found it in almost all seasons.  After all I have received academic recognition, sung for thousands of people, won competitions, graduated from college, traveled the world, and found a stellar husband.  Yay me, right?  

Every success has left me hungrier for the next but I must admit, it is getting harder and harder to satisfy my cravings.  And I think I may have crashed and become quite burned out.  I perceive that everyone else around me is running faster and I am too worn out to continue.  People innocently inquire, “what are you up to these days?”  I feel a knot at the pit of my stomach and stammer for words.  What an utter failure I am…or so the thoughts go.

The thing of it is, when we reach these lows, the Cure can be quite effective.  The Cure will peel back another layer of our soul and speak life.  The Cure takes us deeper and deeper into healing if we will let Him.  

Are my successes inherently bad? Absolutely not!  I have been a very blessed woman.  But I am deceiving myself if I believe these things will bring me healing.  There is only one healer.  Does the fact that I have received temporary relief from success nullify what God has been doing in my life?  Absolutely not! God has been right here in the midst of it all teaching and calling me.

God is the only one who can give me value, joy, freedom, and an identity worth living for.  And “success” in his kingdom is the only success worth striving for.  What does that look like?  Sometimes it looks like King David who was victorious in battle against his enemies and who became very rich.  The entire world looked at him and Israel and they were amazed.  David was obedient and God made him succeed big time!  But sometimes godly success looks like the prophet Isaiah’s ministry.  At the beginning of his call God told him, “Go, and say to this people, ‘Keep hearing, but do not understand…’” (Isaiah 6:9)  So basically, for almost all of Isaiah’s ministry, he talked and no one listened or they listened and didn’t understand.   During his life, he likely looked like an utter failure to the world. Last but certainly not least, sometimes success looks like my complete and utter failure and the power of Jesus blood to cover it all!  So I ask myself, “am I only going to be ok if my life, my success, looks similar to the life of David, or can I also find peace if God calls me, like Isaiah, to a ministry without glamor, immediate success, or wordly accolates?  Will I base my worth and value on what others think about me (my perception of what others think) or will I look to the one and only Cure for my worth and value?  And lastly is my value based on what I can accomplish or does God give me value when I can accomplish nothing but sin and selfishness? "

God either is or he isn’t.  Which do I believe?