I can't believe I go home in just a week. My stomach is in knots as I think about it. I feel both excited and terrified. Fear of the unknown, fear of not belonging, fear of not living with a heavenly perspective...
I've been thinking a lot lately about an eternal perspective. I realize that majority of the time I don't live with an eternal perspective. I spent my very last evening with a friend in Taiwan, a friend who doesn't know Jesus, and yet I didn't mention Jesus' name. She has heard my testimony and I've told her about Jesus, but I can't help but feel like I should have said more on this particular night and many other nights that we spent together. What am I so afraid of? Do I believe in the kingdom of God or not?
I sit and I worry about things that won't matter in the life to come. Today, this time that we have been given on earth is just a blink of an eye. Why do I waste so much time worrying about things that I cannot take into eternity with me?
Am I willing to give my all for the kingdom of God? Am I willing to not be liked or even hated? Am I willing to leave everything behind and not look back? Family? Church home? Friends? money? Stability? the possibility of getting married?
Our base leader today was talking about how passion and commitment go hand and hand. True passion results in commitment come rain or shine. He talked about how part of the root meaning of the actual word "decide" is death. When we make a decision for one thing we have to put many other options to death in order to give life to the one option. I hate putting any options to death! I hate goodbyes and saying no to one thing. THis fear and hatred of decision making completely controls my life and immobalizes me. One minute I'm talking about my desire to try and get a job with mercy ministries in Nashville, the next I'm talking about India and the next Russia... I weigh the cost and think about what would be good for "me."
One of the main things that I have learned these past few years is that you cannot put your trust in mankind. I have held on tight to so many relationships, healthy, not healthy ones, and watched as they have slipped through my fingers as sand. I live for those close relationships that God has given to me, I idolize them. THen my world around me comes crashing down everytime things change. I spend more energy trying to maintain and force things to stay the same then I spend energy thinking about the eternal. Again, what am I living for? Is it eternity or my own temporary hapiness?
No matter where I go, more than anything else, I pray for a revelation of God's glory and an eternal perspective. I want to be like Ezekiel, that when he lost everything, including his wife, he obeyed God and served him whole heartedly.
"Jesus, I ask that you would make this generation a people that live for your glory and for your name. Please give us a revelation of your holiness and your glory. Please give help us to live with an eternal perspective and not just for this life."
