My Drug

Much time has passed since my last blog.  I have returned to the USA, worked a number of jobs, and most significantly I met and married the man of my dreams.  I'd like to jump back into the world of blogging and I thought I'd start with something I wrote this morning.

My Drug

We all suffer from the same condition, the same illness. It is a fatal condition of selfishness and sin, which leaves us empty and separated from the source of true life.  This is the human condition.  Some know, some don’t know, but either way we are all looking for a solution, a cure.   The cure is instantaneous and a process at the same time.  The human condition fights to distract us and drives us to look for instant gratification.

I have been thinking a lot about one of my drugs of choice.  Its name is Success and I’ll go to great lengths to acquire it.  After all, it is where I find my value, pride, happiness, relief, and identity.  My entire life I have chased this drug and well, I have found it in almost all seasons.  After all I have received academic recognition, sung for thousands of people, won competitions, graduated from college, traveled the world, and found a stellar husband.  Yay me, right?  

Every success has left me hungrier for the next but I must admit, it is getting harder and harder to satisfy my cravings.  And I think I may have crashed and become quite burned out.  I perceive that everyone else around me is running faster and I am too worn out to continue.  People innocently inquire, “what are you up to these days?”  I feel a knot at the pit of my stomach and stammer for words.  What an utter failure I am…or so the thoughts go.

The thing of it is, when we reach these lows, the Cure can be quite effective.  The Cure will peel back another layer of our soul and speak life.  The Cure takes us deeper and deeper into healing if we will let Him.  

Are my successes inherently bad? Absolutely not!  I have been a very blessed woman.  But I am deceiving myself if I believe these things will bring me healing.  There is only one healer.  Does the fact that I have received temporary relief from success nullify what God has been doing in my life?  Absolutely not! God has been right here in the midst of it all teaching and calling me.

God is the only one who can give me value, joy, freedom, and an identity worth living for.  And “success” in his kingdom is the only success worth striving for.  What does that look like?  Sometimes it looks like King David who was victorious in battle against his enemies and who became very rich.  The entire world looked at him and Israel and they were amazed.  David was obedient and God made him succeed big time!  But sometimes godly success looks like the prophet Isaiah’s ministry.  At the beginning of his call God told him, “Go, and say to this people, ‘Keep hearing, but do not understand…’” (Isaiah 6:9)  So basically, for almost all of Isaiah’s ministry, he talked and no one listened or they listened and didn’t understand.   During his life, he likely looked like an utter failure to the world. Last but certainly not least, sometimes success looks like my complete and utter failure and the power of Jesus blood to cover it all!  So I ask myself, “am I only going to be ok if my life, my success, looks similar to the life of David, or can I also find peace if God calls me, like Isaiah, to a ministry without glamor, immediate success, or wordly accolates?  Will I base my worth and value on what others think about me (my perception of what others think) or will I look to the one and only Cure for my worth and value?  And lastly is my value based on what I can accomplish or does God give me value when I can accomplish nothing but sin and selfishness? "

God either is or he isn’t.  Which do I believe?

Living for eternity...

I can't believe I go home in just a week. My stomach is in knots as I think about it. I feel both excited and terrified. Fear of the unknown, fear of not belonging, fear of not living with a heavenly perspective...

I've been thinking a lot lately about an eternal perspective. I realize that majority of the time I don't live with an eternal perspective. I spent my very last evening with a friend in Taiwan, a friend who doesn't know Jesus, and yet I didn't mention Jesus' name. She has heard my testimony and I've told her about Jesus, but I can't help but feel like I should have said more on this particular night and many other nights that we spent together. What am I so afraid of? Do I believe in the kingdom of God or not?

I sit and I worry about things that won't matter in the life to come. Today, this time that we have been given on earth is just a blink of an eye. Why do I waste so much time worrying about things that I cannot take into eternity with me?

Am I willing to give my all for the kingdom of God? Am I willing to not be liked or even hated? Am I willing to leave everything behind and not look back? Family? Church home? Friends? money? Stability? the possibility of getting married?

Our base leader today was talking about how passion and commitment go hand and hand. True passion results in commitment come rain or shine. He talked about how part of the root meaning of the actual word "decide" is death. When we make a decision for one thing we have to put many other options to death in order to give life to the one option. I hate putting any options to death! I hate goodbyes and saying no to one thing. THis fear and hatred of decision making completely controls my life and immobalizes me. One minute I'm talking about my desire to try and get a job with mercy ministries in Nashville, the next I'm talking about India and the next Russia... I weigh the cost and think about what would be good for "me."

One of the main things that I have learned these past few years is that you cannot put your trust in mankind. I have held on tight to so many relationships, healthy, not healthy ones, and watched as they have slipped through my fingers as sand. I live for those close relationships that God has given to me, I idolize them. THen my world around me comes crashing down everytime things change. I spend more energy trying to maintain and force things to stay the same then I spend energy thinking about the eternal. Again, what am I living for? Is it eternity or my own temporary hapiness?

No matter where I go, more than anything else, I pray for a revelation of God's glory and an eternal perspective. I want to be like Ezekiel, that when he lost everything, including his wife, he obeyed God and served him whole heartedly.

"Jesus, I ask that you would make this generation a people that live for your glory and for your name. Please give us a revelation of your holiness and your glory. Please give help us to live with an eternal perspective and not just for this life."

Thoughts on friendship...

I’ve been thinking about friendships a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about the ups and downs and about how seasonal friendships can be. If it were up to be I’d hold on tight to all of my wonderful friends and never let them go. Life just doesn’t work like that though. Some friends may be a permanent fixture in our life and some may just be there for a season.

This past week I was up on the roof of my building. It’s the one place here where I feel free to scream, cry, dance, sing and just converse with God. I was talking to God about friendships in my life. I was lamenting the seasonal ones and asking God how to handle the ins and outs in life. The only answer I got was, “Do you trust me Miranda? Do you trust ME to meet all of your needs?”

I went back to my room a little down in the dumps, went to bed, got up and went to class and then I started to study the book of Jeremiah. Wow! Jeremiah had no friends, his family turned against him, and practically everyone hated him! God told him to not take a wife and to not have children. Jeremiah was the definition of alone… if you are looking to worldly standards. I started to feel really sorry for Jeremiah and just sat with my Bible, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. Would God one day give me a call like Jeremiah’s? What if God asked me to truly be alone? What if God asked me to go to a place where people hated the gospel and they hated me? What if I had to completely give up my earthly friendships and only have a relationship with the LORD? Hm… pretty heavy stuff. After feeling pretty sorry for myself and for Jeremiah I went back to my studies.

This is when I saw something amazing. Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD,” but then in Jeremiah 17:7 it says, “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD; whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes…” When I read these passages God gave my heart a revelation. I was looking at everything all wrong. I was feeling sorry for myself for not having a person that I could depend on being a constant, no matter what. Then I realized, a relationship with God is better than thousands of constant relationships. Trusting in God is better than a husband or a best friend. I AM BLESSED! It’s not that God may not give me a husband, or friends that will last for the rest of my life, but God was reminding me that no matter what happens I am simply blessed to have a constant relationship with him. The creator of the universe dwells in my heart and talks to me. He loves me and knows me intimately! It doesn’t get any better than that!

My life in Taiwan

Hey everyone! I keep hearing that people are asking about what I am doing now days and so I thought a video would be the best way to fill people in. I'd love to hear from everyone back home so feel free to email me: mirandawrd@gmail.com.

Hope you're all doing well!

Idol Worship in Taiwan

There is dark heaviness that settles over Dan Shui, Taiwan as the temple workers and gangs parade their gods from one temple to the next. As I walk the flooded streets of Taiwan, I’m afraid took look up, to see the people, but too curious not to. They drink, get high, and open themselves up to the spirits of their gods by cutting themselves and hitting themselves with mallets. They wear heavy costumes and offer their own bodies to be the embodiment of the gods. The demonic possession of these people is apparent in their eyes and in their occasional times of body convulsions. I find myself in a sea of lost, bloody, and heavily burdened people. The Taiwanese, who are not participating in the parade, walk by with terror on their faces. They are so afraid of these gods and their servants.

I am reminded again of why we share the Gospel. We personally know the one and only God and are surrounded by people who worship false gods. Even in America we live in a sea of lost people, looking for the answers through their idols of money, sex, relationships, drugs, etc etc. Again I am faced with the question, will I share Jesus with others? Will I lay aside my rights and fears and just tell as many people as I can about the forgiveness of sins, the life, that is found only in Jesus?

This incredible God I worship doesn’t require me to mutilate my body. I don’t walk in a heaviness and dark cloud. Jesus delivers from the darkness and does not inflict darkness. Most importantly, Jesus is truth. He is a God who was not created by human hands. He created the universe! Jesus brings life and love.

Will I ever snap out of my world of tolerance? How long will I listen to the lies that sharing the gospel is cruel and close minded? There could not possibly be more blatant proof before my eyes that people need to hear about Jesus! I pray that God moves in boldness in my life and in the lives of believers all over the world. I pray that we wouldn’t just seek the Holy Spirit to make us feel better, but that we would ask God to pour his Spirit into our lives that we could more boldly proclaim the truth.

1st term of SBS...

I can hardly believe it but my very first term in the School of Biblical Studies (SBS), here in Taiwan, is over. This has definitely been one of the most life changing experiences I have ever had. We have thrown ourselves into many of the New Testament books and God has been using them to convict me, challenge me and to teach me more about his character. Some of my favorite books so far have been: Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Mark, Romans, James, and Acts. Ok… so it’s really hard to choose.

While I was studying the book of Romans I was blown away by God’s grace and mercy in my life. The book deals so much with the fallen nature of man and the righteousness of God. I could see how God has been intensely pursuing and lavishing his love on me my entire life. I was humbled more than ever by the fact that I am a sinner and I don’t deserve anything but God’s wrath and judgment. In spite of all my sin, God in his love sent his son to die, so that I could be reconciled with him. Amazing!

Ephesians… loved the book! Apostle Paul was writing to the saints in Ephesus. This is a people group who were surrounded by pagan worship, mystery cults, and different astrology beliefs. One of the things that the Ephesians believed is that the alignment of the starts, when they were born, determined which god had control over their life. One of my favorite things about the book of Ephesians is when Paul says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus” (Ephesians 1:3-5). The Ephesians had been told their entire life that fate decided that they belonged to this or that god. A god whom they feared and who they believed would cause more harm in their lives than good. Then Paul blows the Ephesians away by telling them that God loves them and chose them before he even created the world. The same is true for you and I. I am a believer because God loves me. He chose to love and call me out as his own before he even created the world!!! What a mighty God we serve!

The book of Mark was so much fun to study! I think I laughed until I cried at some of the apostle’s funny comments. Then I was intensely convicted in all of the ways I too manage to doubt God’s provision after he has miraculously provided one time after another. After finishing the book I felt like I had just spent days hanging out with Jesus and the apostles. Laughing, witnessing the miracles and love of Jesus, and even mourning the death of Jesus. What a wonderful book!

The Bible has come alive to me during the past 3 months. Please continue to pray for me and that I’ll continue to read the word for transformation. I praise God for this blessing of being in his word and can’t wait to share with others all that God has been doing!

Where to find them...

I know I've done a poor job of keeping people updated so I'm going to try harder. As time is limited I'll just try and write things like this as they come up:
I was reading in Romans 1 where Paul is talking about the results of a man not acknowledging God, the Creator. He says basically that this decision seperates them from God and their passions and unrighteousness takes over. As I was thinking about that I wrote this poem:

"They can't find you anywhere,
Where could this person be,
Her quiet desperation is no longer quiet,

Already divorced and now alone,
She hangs her head and cries.

After very meal, snack and drink,
She lets out a cry and herself she purges.

Left rejected and despised,
She lost her friends and hurt them too.

She sings and sings but her words are empty,
There is always another who is supreme.

She never sleeps because when she does,
The terror and screams leave her more restless than before.

She feels like shattered glass,
Never to be whole and a dnager to all who come near.

She hates herself, never thinks of another,
Thoughts of killing herself are far too common.

Where can you find this girl?
Remove Christ blood, HIS work on the cross,
And withold the Holy Spirit.
Then run to the grave, the pit of despair,
And you'll find me lying there."

When I look back on my life I can see glimpses of this girl. I have no doubt this is just a glimpse of where I would be if it were not for the work of Christ in my life. He is my hope, my righteousness, and my redeemer!